Okay, this is weird. but it's 2:30 a.m. and I CANNOT sleep. Probably because I slept all morning yesterday. I can't think of anything better to do but this. I finished my first year of college. It's wonderful to be home. But I also miss college in weird ways. Like having a roommate, even if that means going to sleep with the lights still on or hearing the Office as I go to bed each night or being woken up by text message noises. Or seeing the mountain on sunny days, or having my friends just steps away, or guaranteed food fights at least once per day. Playing guitar with Alea and Krystle and Zach and Micah and Carolyn even though that usually just resulted in talking and singing Wagon Wheel over and over.... and over. But Appleton is marvelous. my friends here are even more marvelous. I love them. I definitely don't miss college enough to wish I was anywhere but here. I'm really happy. and I think maybe I was the whole time (like this past year) just other stuff got in the way. But that happens, I guess. Sometimes I feel a little guilty for being happy. The world's not a happy place. but someone has to be. There has to be some positive vibes, some content feeling to counteract the sadness in my family for my uncle's devastating and incurable illness, the sadness felt by so many of my friends here from losing a friend in the worst way a life can possibly end, the sadness felt by friends at school for our beam of sunshine being hurt by an awful crime. Yeah, there's sadness. but what can you do about it? I just keep telling myself it's good that I'm happy. Even if it means I'm an ignorant fool (I am...) I'm excited for camp, but I also just want to be exactly where I am. well, not in my bed, just at home in general. I've lost a lot of friends which is part of life, and it's happened enough lately for me to think it's probably my fault, something I do that makes people want out. But one in particular has been heartbreaking. We were going to go live in Killarney, Ontario and be fisherwomen and play music for the rest of our lives. Yeah, we were silly kids, but we also dealt with some pretty tough shit together. I miss her so much it's still literally physically painful, even though I saw her at new year's and will again soon. It's easy to feel like life goes on at school and everything, but every time I hear pretty much every song, especially the ones she taught me the words to, or look at the stars or a beautiful sunset, or watch Garden State or even think about eating a coffee crisp bar, there's this little ache that just won't go away. Life as I know it really does not continue without her. Growing up sucks sometimes. whatever happened to going to sleep at 10:30 and waking up at 7? I LOVED that sleep schedule. well, I'm making myself wake up in five hours.... gross. | 
